Friday, September 3, 2010

RFRSH.YOR.PLYLST | Fresh Squeeze

Posted by Familiar Joe On August - 28 - 2010 ADD COMMENTS

This is the very first installment of Fresh Squeeze, a bi-weekly music blog bringing you bangers from all sides of the EDM lifestyle. If you  are catching my drift, I don’t like to keep it all about one specific genre. The general idea behind Fresh Squeeze is simple, I want to share my favorite music with you. The music I take the time every day to dig up from the depths of the internet (to your speakers). Attempting to keep this short and to the point, here are a few tracks for you to munch on.

Joe Nice AkA Mr. Niceguy

Mr.Nice guy..

Whether you like it or not, Joe has a large role in bringing the dubstep scene to critical mass across our nation (see what I did there?).  31 years young coming out of Baltimore, Joe Nice may have been around a lot longer than you thought. His very first time hearing dubstep was in 2002, that same year he decided to produce some dub himself. The rest is history, and somewhere in the future (check out his soundcloud, he’s been hard at work) What stands out about this guy is his willingness to work with songs by producers who are really not that well known, and convincing you that it very well should be playing in the clubs on the regular. (especially in EDM & Dub).

Tightrope (Mr.NiceGuy Remix) by Mr. NiceGuy

If you like diplo’s remix of “Hip hop”, you will want to make love to this track mix. Because of this track, I will keep a watchful eye on WTF!?

WTF!? and Dead Prez – “It’s Bigger Than Hip Hop UK” by Some Kind of Awesome

My old buddy Brent over at Full Sail turned me on to this track this evening over a very random phone call only telling me to listen to these last 2 mixes. Very exclusive stuff especially if you are a fan of Wolfgang Gartner or Deadmau5. I can only assume this 2nd production is unfinished, hence the “untitled” title.

Kill The Noise- My World (Charles I Remix) by Charles I

Deadmau5 & Wolfgang Gartner – Untitled by vClubMusic

I could sit here all night and turn this post in to an encyclopedia of dank ass dub, but what would be the fun in that? If you have any music you think I might enjoy enough to actually feature it in Fresh Squeeze, you can try to enlighten me..

Alright, I changed my mind. You will be hearing more of this around in the future mark my words. I like to think of it as Rapstep.  Let me introduce you to King Fantastic.

Beginning of "Rapstep"

The Glitch Mob – Drive It Like You Stole It (King Fantastic Remix) by kingfantastic
Bassnectar – Bass Head (King Fantastic Remix) by kingfantastic

Popularity: 4% [?]

Gangsta gets hit by ice cream truck.

Posted by Brian 'Docta' Dawe On August - 12 - 2010 ADD COMMENTS

I feel guilty for not posting something of substance after neglecting my beloved OCC for a few weeks, but I HAD to put this up.

andddddd the remix.

I want to learn those dance moves.

Popularity: 6% [?]

Servin’ Up Some Asher

Posted by E-Rock On August - 11 - 2010 ADD COMMENTS

Asher Roth is back at it …. AGAIN.

This time with the oddly named “Seared Foie Gras with Quince and Cranberry.”

All names aside, this is a hot mixtape.  Just about each track is mixed served by a different producer.  Nice touch.

Extra catchy is the track with B.o.B., “Fck The Money,” produced by none other than Kanye West.  (Props to whoever knows where that sample came from.)

Check the end of the post for the torrent download.

Heat 20 minutes, Enjoy.

01 Asher Roth – Muddy Swim Trunks (Served By Madlib)
02 Asher Roth AndBoyder – Toni Braxton (Served By Rza)
03 Asher Roth – Pubic Garden (Served By Pharrell)
04 Asher Roth – Vagitables (Served By 9Th Wonder)
05 B.O.B And Asher Roth – Fck The Money (Served By Kanye West)
06 Asher Roth And Truck North – What Up Truck (Served By Jake One)
07 Asher Roth – Trash Minutes (Served By J Dilla)
08 Asher Roth – Ash & Dem (Served By J Dilla)
09 Asher Roth – Con-Fid-Ence (Served By Kanye West)
10 Asher Roth – I’m Eddy (Served By Heatmakers)
11 Asher Roth – Rik Smits (Served By Just Blaze)
12 Asher Roth – Fck Your Ringtone Dog (Served By J Dilla)
13 Asher Roth – Hot Wangs (Served By Will.I.Am)
14 Asher Roth And Ryan Leslie – Diamond Girl (Served By Ryan Leslie)
15 Boyder, Brain Bangley, And Asher Roth – Cumbaya (Served By Timbaland)
16 Asher Roth And Brain Bangley – Calling Me (Served By Younglord)
17 Pac Div And Asher Roth – Hellafaded (Served By Chad Hamilton)
18 Talib Kweli, Blu, And Asher Roth – Sour Patch Kids Remix (Served By Travis
Barker)

Download the mixtape here.



Popularity: 10% [?]

Puttin’ it Down

Posted by E-Rock On July - 31 - 2010 ADD COMMENTS

July is coming to a close…

The temperatures are climbing (105 degrees anyone?)…

And Bun B is turnin’ it up with Drake on this track from his new album “Trill OG,” dropping this Tuesday.

Check it.

And while you’re at it.. check out long-time veteran Greg Nice – from 90s hip-hop duo Nice and Smooth – with his new track, “Motherfck” – remixed by none other than Brookyn’s own Nick Catchdubs.

Bun B – Put It Down (feat. Drake) by eeeRock

Greg Nice – Motherfck (Nick Catchdubs Motherfcks In Space Mix) by eeeRock

Popularity: 12% [?]

1,440 Mins of Coffee & Tea Awesomeness

Posted by E-Rock On July - 31 - 2010 2 COMMENTS

It’s 12:32pm at Austin’s Coffee.

A local artist, Alexander “ARS” Watkins is bringing in his custom-designed shoes and cartoon/comic-inspired work for a month-long display.   Owners Jackie and Sean are busy milling around; he is putting up some new shelves and displays, she has has been showing off her freshly made “coffee-kicks” since 11am.

Speaking of freshly made, the smell of the coffee roaster is wafting the scent of FairTrade organic beans through the booths.   The air is filled with sounds of cars passing by (Austin’s is on Fairbanks Ave, what do you expect); the tap-tap-tap of keys from the students, lunch-breakers and hang-outers; and the laughs of a group of Rollins’ students behind me talking about the “worst birthday ever” and how the one girl is “such a whale” because she won’t stop dipping into the tempeh.

The other buzz going on in the air is definitely newsworthy:  the move to 24-hours.

Yep, you heard it right.  All-day, all-night.

AC exteriorFor seven years now, Austin’s has been serving up hot coffee & tea (and even beer!), freshly made salads and sandwiches – vegan and non-vegan – and a huge heaping of atmosphere to its customers.  Just about everyone with a 407 or 321 area code has at least stepped in the door here, and most if not all have been back several times.  Normally, closing time is 11pm or 1am, depending on the day.   Early risers like myself (sometimes) or late late nighters like myself (usually) tend to miss the 7 or 8am opening, though.

They are hoping to change all that August 1st, when they make the big schedule change.

I sat down over a glass of passion fruit iced tea with the coffee maven herself, Jackie.

OCC: Well, first off what inspired the change to a 24-hour shift?

J: It’s been a long time coming.  For about 4 years now I’ve toyed with the idea.  It wasn’t until recently, after speaking with a mutual friend that I decided to go for it.  For the longest time, people were staying as long as we would let them.  Some nights we close at 11pm, and people would be still coming in around 1am.  It was just a natural progression.

OCC: Words that come to mind to describe Austin’s Coffee.  First 3 – GO!

J: Community.  Coffee.  Shop.

OCC: What is the most popular item on the menu?

J: Hmm. Tough question.  Non-vegan, the Chipotle Chicken Panini; Vegan, the Eggless Egg Salad Sandwich.  The vegan population can rarely get “eggs”…so it’s hugely popular.

OCC: Where do you think the phrase “Cup O Joe” came from?

J: I read it somewhere once!  There actually is a good story behind it..but I can’t think of it right now.  [Ed Note:  most likely as a slang version of "java" or "jamoke"]

OCC: What’s so important about FairTrade coffee?

J: It’s pretty involved, but it brews down to the farmers being able to produce a high-quality bean at an honest price.  They are shown how to make their farms FairTrade-friendly and are given the tools and the promise to support their employees and their families.  Most importantly, they get to make a fair living, and we get some of the best coffee you can find.  We pay more, of course, but it’s worth it.

OCC: What’s your favorite coffee or tea?

J: The sweet iced coffee.  It’s also our number one seller.

OCC: And finally, what do you think has made Austin’s such a staple in the Orlando scene?Coffee

J: There’s really two segments to our popularity.  First, the coffee lovers.  People that come in and who know (or may not know) about the quality of the coffee here.  Similar to the organic food boom, organic coffee isn’t much different.  Last and certainly not least, the art & culture crowd.  A lot of our baristas are artists themselves, much like our customers.  But it’s not rare to come in and see someone painting, or playing guitar, or just lounging around.   It’s a comfort zone for most people, and that’s why we love it.


Aside from the menu, Austin’s is known for hosting some great nights:  comedy, open-mic, and even some touring musical artists.  (Beat that, Borders!)

Also it’s worth noting, for you laptop-luggers, plenty of outlets – no more fighting for that one seat that someone is ALWAYS in.

You can check out some of the city’s best coffee at:

929 W. Fairbanks Ave.
Winter Park, Fl 32789
Ring! (407) 975-3364

They have 6 events coming up in October, so get your @$$ over there and get a latte.  No “venti” needed.

For more info on Watkins’ work, check him out at RedBubble or drop him an email.

Popularity: 11% [?]

Happy Hour

Posted by E-Rock On July - 27 - 2010 1 COMMENT

Just a notice to everyone that I am enjoying a sweet half-priced Kirin Light at Bento.

And posting this blog from my iPhone4.

Get on my level.

Popularity: 6% [?]

Green with Envy

Posted by E-Rock On July - 27 - 2010 3 COMMENTS

Kiss the rings, bitch.

Eager to add a fifth to his gargantuan talons, the NBA’s oldest player is looking to flip the script.

Long-time NBA big man Shaquille O’Neal want’s to pull an LBJ and skip the hell out of the Mistake by the Lake. But instead of heading south to warmer pastures, Shaq Diesel apparently wants to shove off eastward to Beantown, and “help” the Celtics recover from last year’s playoffs snafu.

Several reports have him quoted as saying he only wants to go for a team “who can win it all.”  “He doesn’t want to go to a team that’s not a contender.”

(Well, no shit.  The only guy in the NBA that was never destined to win a ring was Kurt Rambis.  He ironically won 4 rings.  Eat that Queen James.)

Sources close to the over 7-foot, 325 pound self-proclaimed Superman say he’s EXTREMELY interested in wearing the shamrocks this upcoming season. Save for one small problem -

- the Celtics got NO MONEYYYYYYY.

Reportedly, they neither have the means or the space to pay him over the league-mandated minimum of $1.3 million. Unfortunate for Big Aristotle, who is currently sitting pretty at #6 on Sports Illustrated’s Fortunate 50 for 2010 at $36 million last year.

That’s a pretty big fuckin’ paycut.  Pretty big.

But does the Big Man really even care?

In a career spanning nearly two decades, O’ Neal has raked in over $290 million; he probably doesn’t care about the money anymore.  That’s more than we can say for LBJ, who left an ishload of money on the table in C-town, but will now be third banana in the gangbang that is going to be the Miami Heat’s “eatshit” front five.

So why do I give a shit?

If Shaq DOES go to Boston, it may spell t-r-o-u-b-l-e for our boys in Blue this season – as Shaq still strikes fear in the lanes.  Even if he can’t shoot a free throw (52% over 18 years) for shit, he may prove trouble for Dwight Howard and our Magic.

We’ll have to stay tuned. Keep it locked on OCC.

Popularity: 12% [?]

Use To Get It In Ohio

Posted by dLux On July - 12 - 2010 1 COMMENT

Well, in case you have been living under a really hard rock or have not checked any social network, television, newspaper, telegram, candy gram, or noticed the entire city of Cleveland suffering a torrential flash flood from the tears of every sports fan, Lebron James has decided to take his talent down to South Beach to try and stop Phil Jackson from getting his 4th 3-peat.

One thing that I find quite funny about this whole “decision” is how much it just resembles a big professional wrestling angle. If you know me, you know I watch a little bit of wrestling (hey, its no worse than ANY reality TV show on, and I am open for debate on that) and I have been known to travel out to Universal to watch the TNA tapings. Not only for the horrible theater of a show they put on but also the people watching is priceless, and for free I figure, why not?

Not only did Lebron destroy an entire city in one swift sentence, he chose to do so on live television.

Which brings me to writing this blog. If you watched wrestling back in the hey-day of the mid-to-late 90s, you know who THE man was, and it was none other than the Real American, Hulk Hogan.

Back in 1996, Hogan pulled a very similar move to the King of Akron by joining forces with two superstars in the business and turned his back on all the fans he had garnered in a near 15 year career to start the now legendary, often replicated but never duplicated, nWo.

Only difference is, Hogan had 6 title reigns while Bron Bron is still sitting on a fat zero.

I now present to you, Lebron james joining the nWo.

Popularity: 12% [?]

J.Bon Clothing Company

Posted by dLux On July - 2 - 2010 1 COMMENT

In case you have been living under a rock for the past 6-8 months, J.BonClothing has been KILLING the local clothing scene. Based out of Cocoa Beach, Jay Bonadio and his ridiculously fresh taste on underground clothing have been taking the state by storm.

Yeah, he’s the guy behind that shirt that everybody was wearing during the NBA Finals. Even though all the Magic did was lose, lose, lose…J.Bon clothing has been doing nothing but winning over the locals while also gaining a huge celebrity cliental.

As you can see, the man is doing work. He recently released his Spring 2010 collection and it is available now through his website JbonClothing.bigcartel.com. His latest features a couple of these little ditties…(the first one I can relate to quite well!!)

The second one looks like it was made specifically for our uniballin’ founder! (eh Dawe??, ehhh?)

The best way to get your hands on any of these items is through the website mentioned above but don’t be surprised to see him walking around Downtown Orlando selling t-shirts the same way that he did with the Magic shirts. That is a grassroots campaign you don’t see too much anymore and we at OCC have nothing but the utmost respect for a hustle like that.

Popularity: 39% [?]

Roll up a DUB(step)

Posted by dLux On June - 30 - 2010 ADD COMMENTS

Local and one of the best DJs UCF has to offer, DJ Trendkiller, has released a mixtape of what alllll the UCF kids (and all of Orlando it seems like) are craving right now apparently, that damn dubstep.

This mixtape is sure to WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP your speakers.

Click here to download.

Popularity: 26% [?]

Jersey Shore Season 2 Trailer

Posted by dLux On June - 30 - 2010 ADD COMMENTS

Everyones favorite guidos are back for season 2 of what looks like to be yet another amazing season of ignorance, booze, blow-outs, hair gel and fights. I personally cannot wait.

Popularity: 14% [?]

Mikey Stylez…Shore?

Posted by dLux On June - 25 - 2010 3 COMMENTS

Knightlyfe.com President/Owner/I-don’t-really-know-what-your-title-is, Mikey Stylez recently shot and filmed a TV/web pilot called “The Weekend”.

It’s like a Jersey Shore meets Orlando type of thing.

Not so sure about the “reality” aspect of it, but that can be said with all reality tv, right? All in all I think it has potential and you can’t knock the hustle.

If this falls through at least you have your music career…right?

Mikey Stylez by djdlux

You know I HAD to.

Popularity: 31% [?]

Now its just becoming ridiculous….

Posted by Mr. House On June - 21 - 2010 2 COMMENTS

Mr House again…I know that OCC has mainly been about partying, music, and other entertainment related media but one thing its lacking is world news and political affairs. Right now, the biggest news story is the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. This is the greatest disaster caused by humans in the history of the world and as it stands, there isnt an end in site. The oil being leaked is as big as the Exxon Valdez spill was every 4 days…its been leaking since April 20th….do the math. I’ve got to ask myself, why the hell has the leak not been stopped yet when there is no way possible we don’t possess the technology to cap it? One of my friends put it this way; “The government hasnt stepped in yet because there is an agenda being passed in Washington while the world is focused on the spill.” Literally this spill has the capability to completely destroy the ecosystem of the Gulf that has already been ravaged by natural disasters the last 5 years, and our government is doing absolutely nothing about it.

Which brings me to the idiots over at BP who caused this travesty….WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?? Not only have you lied about it every day since day 1, but you turn down offers to help from people like James Cameron?! Are you retarded or is your arrogance so massive that you are allowing 100,000 barrels of oil a day to spill into the ocean so you can all of a sudden fix the leak and be the hero? The only thing I can really say is thats not going to happen….your company will never recover from this and the executives should be tried and hung for deliberately allowing this to continue. We only have one planet right now, maybe in a few 100 years after weve completely sucked this planet dry of its natural resources and space travel becomes easier will we find another planet, but as far as we know…this is the only one so lets try not to fuck it up too bad right now.

Whatever the outcome is…personally I cant believe that in my life Ive seen the biggest attack on US soil on 9/11, one of the biggest hurricanes to make landfall in the US, some of the biggest Earthquakes ever recorded, a Black man as President, and now the largest human disaster in the history of the world. Speaking of Obama…Im not saying this because hes black, I think its fantastic that we finally might be beating the racial barrier that divides us, but for all the retards that voted for him and fell for the lies that ALL politicians tell…hows that change coming for you?

One last final word… CLEAN THE SPILL UP, AND MAKE SURE THIS NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN!!! Hopefully this disaster will help us lean more towards green energy which would greatly help out our planet and give us a few more generations before we end up destroying ourselves. Either way…here we come 2012!!!

Mr.House

Popularity: 10% [?]

2 LEGIT 2 QUIT

Posted by dLux On May - 12 - 2010 1 COMMENT

We are going into week 3 of LEGIT @ Dungeon this week and if you haven’t made it out yet here are a few quick reasons why you need to see what is becoming the BEST party on a Friday night in the UCF area, hands down.

1. Hip Hop is alive and well.

Contrary to some FUCKING FAILED night at Dragon Room might have told you, hip hop is clearly alive at this night. Dawe and myself do play a hefty amount of those 128 BPM bangers that you all know and love but we do not hesitate to get crunk with it whatsoever. What’s a gig with DJ dLux without a little Gucci Mane or Soulja Boy?

2. LADIES, LADIES, LADIES.

Guys, are you tired of a room full of fat chicks? Perhaps a room full of cocks? Stop going to the shit holes, take off your flip flops, put away those cargo shorts and that pre-torn American Eagle hat and get your ass to Dungeon. The dress code is basically no hats but everything else goes. Yes, you can wear your Air Force 1s but don’t blame Dawe or myself when they get scuffed cause somebody was getting crunk on the dance floor. Just look at how many ladies are in this ONE PICTURE, and they’re not even friends!! This is a purely candid photo from none other than our very own Familiar Joe. These girls are waiting for your bad pick up line!!

3. Party pictures with STYLE.

Are you tired of your picture being taken while you are out with your friends only to find it on the internet after days of waiting and it looks like FUCKING SHIT? Why is it that 90% of the photographers in this town just cannot take a decent picture to save their life? Then to add on to it, the promotion company takes a week to upload your shitty picture. Also, why the FUCK do I need your watermark to be so fucking big? Is this really necessary? Let’s take a look at a couple examples:

WHAT THE FUCK. As if it wasn’t bad enough that she is wearing a Lakers shirt in Orlando, I have this my-first-photoshop-stroke-effects shit above AND below on the picture? The glare from the flash against the window exudes professionalism from the photographer as well.

Let’s take a look at another example from the highly respected, always pay their people on time promotion company, Whats2Hot.

Aside from Mikey Stylez looking like a hot dude in this photo with his perfectly edged 5 o’clock shadow, why the fuck do I need a smoke screen next to me in my pictures? Why do I also need to sign up on your website to get my picture? Your weekly inbox spam is not worth the horrible picture you have given me.

If and when you come to Dungeon, our party pictures speak for themselves. We take HOURS editing our photos to make sure they come out looking fresh and different. Do you want your pictures to look like the two above or do you want them to look like this:

Notice the differences in the photos? That’s called EDITING. We pride ourselves on not taking pictures straight from the camera, slapping a horrible watermark on them and uploading them. I’d have to say the only other people to do this would be our friends over at Smile For Camera.

4. The final reason you should be there: Docta Dawe & DJ dLux tag team DJ set!! NOBODY and I mean NOBODY has ever done this at a UCF bar. This is truely what sets this night apart from all the rest. We go back and forth, track for track all night long. The DJ setup alone is sure to and has been turning heads 2 weeks in a row.

LEGIT. Every Friday at Dungeon Lounge. Be there.

Popularity: 41% [?]

You don’t gnome me.

Posted by Meagan On May - 6 - 2010 1 COMMENT

Names have been changed to protect the identity of the people in this story and because I don’t remember their actual names.

So I get a call today from a good friend of mine who works as a teacher in South Florida. She starts to tell me a story about one of the P.E. teachers at her school, we’ll call him “Rick”. Apparently, Rick was hanging out with his buddy, “Bob” who works as a caretaker for a mentally handicapped man, “Pete”, who lives on his own but depends on Bob for certain things that he cannot handle on his own.

Bob receives a call from Pete and Pete is screaming into the phone, “Bob! You need to come over right NOW! I need you to get food. I need you to go to the grocery store and bring food to my house because the gnome ate all my food and he is very hungry and very angry!”

To which Bob replies, “Pete, I will come over later, I promise, and I will bring you food.”

“NO! You need to come here right NOW with FOOD. He is very angry, the gnome is very angry.”

“Okay, okay, I’ll be there soon.”

Bob hangs up the phone and turns to Rick, “Do you mind coming over there with me to check this out?”

Rick shrugs his shoulders and they hit the road.

Rick and Bob get to Pete’s bearing groceries and Pete lets them in but immediately shouts in their face, “NO ONE IS ALLOWED IN THE KITCHEN. I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN GO IN THERE. THE GNOME IS VERY ANGRY.”

Rick and Bob exchange looks.

Bob then coerces Pete into another room while Rick sneaks into the kitchen to find the refrigerator blockading the pantry.

Rick moves the refrigerator and the pantry doors fly open.

OUT POPS A MIDGET!

And he’s screaming, “I’M GONNA SUE YOU! THIS IS KIDNAPPING AND HARASSMENT! I’LL HAVE YOU ARRESTED!”

Once the “gnome” has calmed his tiny self a bit Rick and Bob discover that he is in fact a Jehovah’s Witness and he had knocked on Pete’s door three days before when Pete mistook him for a gnome, overpowered him (possibly knocked the poor little guy out), and locked him in the pantry.

I’m still waiting for details on what happened to Pete and his “gnome.”

Moral of the story: Don’t knock on stranger’s doors.

Popularity: 21% [?]

Everyone has a little Captain in them.

Posted by Meagan On April - 20 - 2010 1 COMMENT

So I’ve been racking my brain for newsworthy and interesting blog ideas and riding the fail boat all the way there. When I told Dawe I was leaving Orlando to move back to SoFlo in July, thus being unable to be a part of what is to come in the OCC future, Dawe offered me blogging rights to write some more of my “funny blogs.”

Problem: I’m not always intentionally funny. What is funny, however, is my sex life. And more recently, this tale:

I’m four Bloody Mary’s deep when it dawns on me that my current go-to guy has just moved back to his hometown of Montana. (Insert Brokeback Mountain jokes here: _______). And I think to myself, “Fuck! Meagan, you stupid bitch! You have no replacement yet.” It then occurs to me that there actually are a few options. Behind Door #1 is a dude who STILL reeks of our last AWKWARD sexual encounter, Door #2 Holds Rico Suave. We’ve hooked up and it was fun but I then remembered he was already in bed as it was a weeknight and if it’s not the weekend, he’s not livin la vida loca. Now I’m finally at Door #3, which hides a man with an amazing body but a personality that I can’t stand. I pause all of about 10 seconds before sending out a text to Door #3. Bad idea? Keep reading.

So Door #3 comes over and the conversation starts off a little something like this:

(Skipping the intro.)

Me: Go out tonight?

#3: Yeah, me and my boys went to Library.

Me: Maybe next time take your wristband off before driving, it’s basically an insta-DUI.

#3: Nah, it’s cool, I Listerene’d.

Me: Listerine is actually more potent than a beer.

#3: Oh…can you smell it?

Me: Yup.

#3: Do you want to taste it?

(Insert look of disgust and disbelief. But I was already committed, there was no turning back now or I was going to have a very unhappy “Amy” on my hands. Yes, that’s what we’re calling them these days.)

Me: I’ll give you five minutes to try again. Don’t fuck this up.

Side note: I know what you’re thinking. A. Get higher standards. B. Areyoufuckingkiddingmeguy?! C. I’m already over reading this shit, you’re dumb.

My reply: A. He’s cut and good-looking, B. See A., C. Maybe, but I knew that already.

(Skip ahead to the point where I give up on a worthwhile panty-dropping line.)

#3: I’m gonna take off my shirt.

Me: Okay, “Simon Says”.

#3: This would probably be easier without my pants.

Me: I’ll officially be changing your name in my phone to “Captain Obvious”.

(He then retreats to my bathroom and exits wearing nothing but socks and, from what I can smell, a strawberry condom.)

What follows is the worst part. For some, the funniest bit of these 500 words of possible torture: He then takes himself, socks and red rocket, and stands, using my bed frame as a prop, and arranges himself proudly in the Captain Morgan Stance.

Game over? Almost, but not quite.

Me: Areyoufuckingkiddingmeguy?!

#3: I’m just being silly, it’s funny.

Me: It’s not funny time, it’s sexy time and THAT is NOT sexy.

#3: Don’t you think I’m sexy?

Me: You’re sexy when you’re silent.

(Fast forward. Sex over. T.V. on. I’m brushing my teeth.)

Me: (Yaaaaaaawn) I’m really tired.

#3: Me too, this guy on this show is so stupid like “Oooooh, look, I’m going to solve this murder with maaaaaath”

Side note:If you know me well enough, you know I love crime-drama more than you love your dog.

Me: I’m going to need you to stop talking, again.

(#3 then tries to arrange a spoon positioning between the two of us when I strong arm him in the chest)

Me: I DON’T cuddle.

#3: Oh, look at you, Ms. Alpha Bitch, “I don’t cuddle. Don’t make fun of my shows or I’ll kick you out.”

Me: Actually, I can’t sleep with anyone in my bed.

#3: Oh, I get it. I’ll leave if you want me to…but I’d really like to see the end of this show.

Me:  Ugh, whatever.

#3: We should do this again.

Me: Sure.

#3: Really? Like now?

Me: I’m tired, I want to go to sleep.

#3: Come onnnnnn.

Me: On one condition.

#3: (Puzzled look)

Me: You leave RIGHT after.

#3: Jeeze, okay…

Show’s over. Both of them.

#3: (On the way to the door) We should do this again.

Me: I’ll call you. (I close the door in his face)

P.s. The second condom was Orange. Enjoy.

Popularity: 24% [?]

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