Social Networking. Love it or hate it, let’s face it; it’s out of control. As much as it was nice for a while, it’s gone completely fucking berzerk in the last 12 months.
Twitter has gone apeshit.
FaceBook might as well be called FarmBook.
Foursquare and the like have brought cyber-stalking into the 21st century.
So, what type are you and your friends/followers/subscribers/stalkers? See how many people you know fit these in-no-particular-order profiles:
1) Tammy To-The-Point.
Frequently tweets/statuses exactly what they’re doing… no matter how boring. Ugh, get a fucking life.
“Good Morning Facebook/Twitter.”
“I just ate _____.”
“Goodnight Facebook/Twitter.”
2) Clever Charlie
Starts off with boring shit and then ends with something.. well, not boring. A step up from Tammy.
“How many of you think life would be great if there was bacon on everything?”
“At the mall listening to the sound of America’s financial dreams crumble.”
3) Ralph Re-Tweeter.
Nuff said. Retweets/re-statuses everything. EVERYTHING. No matter how lame, boring, irrelevant, late, early. Ralph is on it. AKA: Deucebag. (borrowed from the very funny Razzle)
4) Friendly Frankie
Friend requests everyone, and suggests you do as well. This guy/girl attempts to bring together everyone in cyberland. The Ghandi of the Interweb. Give peace a chance on your own time, and keep your PC PSA-niceness to yourself.
5) Inviting Igor
I might hurt some feelings with this one, but Igor invites you to EVERY single event, group, fan page, friend, event, group, event, group, fan page, fan page, event, group, event, event, web link, fan page. They incessantly invite you and pester you to invite everyone you know, utilizing any and all social media avenues and tools to succeed in said pestering. [Ed. Note: I'm not against promoting or inviting, but one will suffice. Two if it's something really cool. Not 156784 invites to a normal Tuesday party. Don't you know "Homeboys from Outer Space" is on?]
6) Mark Machine-Gunner
This person disappears for days/weeks at a time, only to resurface with a maelstrom of tweets/pics/status updates and anything else they can dredge up.
7) Tina Tagger
Tina likes to blow up your notifications by tagging you in every pic and post she can think of, often without regard to what repercussions may occur.
“Heyyy Tim, sorry I tagged you in that pic from Rachel’s, your fiancé isn’t still pissed is she? … Gave the ring back, you say?”
“Sara. Wow. The boss is really peeved about that photo from the party of you peeing on his desk. Looking back, I prolly shouldn’t have tagged you in that, huh? Tsss.. My b. Need a ride to the unemployment office?”]
[Ed. Note: Tag with care, please.]
8) Steph Spammer
Steph likes to spam by posting everything, and often. She replies to every message, every DM, every @, and every post. Often just for the sake of reading herself type.
9) Rube Reporter
This guy thinks he’s Anderson Cooper’s long-lost brother, riding his shit harder than a sweaty pair of boxer briefs after running around in Afghanistan for a week. If they aren’t RT’s then they’re just flat out posts/tweets, as soon as news breaks. Amazing how this guy gets anything done with the phone in his hands day n nite.
10) Petey Promoter
The guy who has at least 10 twitter accounts or facebook pages to spam you from every conceivable cyber-angle. Good luck running, because much like the IRS and the FBI, this clever fellow’s electronic alter egos are hard to track and erase; kinda like the memories of a night you spent at TD’s.
Sometime’s Petey and Tina (#7) blend together and tag you in photo’s you have nothing to do with. A concert, for instance. Or a video, perhaps. Either way, you get blown the fuck up EVERYTIME SOMEONE COMMENTS ON IT. THIS shit needs to stop with the quickness. [Exceptions will be made for certain situations, and in the case of mixtapes or new music, b/c lets face it: everyone likes good music. If you don't, move to Canada.]
11) Bart Banger
Usually applies to dudes, but not always. This creeper tries to friend you and all your friends, and all your friends’ friends, in a half-assed attempt to get some nookie. Repeatedly commenting on most of your photos, ironically only the 60% of them where you have 10% of your body covered. (Plz p0st linkz, kthnxbai!) Ladies, this is a cheap ploy, and I hope you’re too smart for this. If, on the other hand, you like this sort of thing, please go here to seek assistance in battling this crippling naiveté.
12) Ingrid Inviter
This beeeyatch is the bane of Farmbook. No I don’t want to be a part of your Mafia. No I don’t want to be a part of your aquarium. No I don’t want to be a part of your farm. No I don’t want to be a part of your cafe. No I don’t want to fight dragons, and I don’t want to help you rescue the fucking Referee Cow!!!!!! I said “no” 36127133 times before, what on God’s Green Earth would make you think I want to join your “mod squad” now? Sheesh. Go out and get some fresh air. Take some photos. Watch TV. Start a blog. Write a letter to yourself telling yourself how much of a tool you are. Get a lobotomy. Something productive.
Now go RT this!
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