I figured if I wanted to write this nonsense I better do it quickly before dLux and Draven drop their mixtapes this week, as I know they will want the top blog spot on the website. I know this may be a little off topic, actually, it kind of pertains to nightlife news, because there is a very high probability that I will be looking like a douchebag as I frolic from club to club.
I have always wanted to grow a beard. I made a half ass attempt at it toward the end of my Firestone days, but then I woke up early one day and shaved it off. It was getting itchy and annoying, and in a half asleep morning daze I shaved it off, forgetting that I was actually trying to grow a beard. Well if I have it my way, this summer the beard will return. Here is the ultimate goal:
Tommie Sunshine, beard genius.
Ok, maybe not the long hair. Do ladies find any sort of sexual appeal in a beard? So far I have gotten mixed reviews, but I am willing to give it a shot. If anything I just want to have some facebook pictures looking like the one above, or even better this:
Joaquin Phoenix, beardo.
According to some online forums I have read, “Beards are very “in” right now.”, and everyone knows how important it is for me to be “in” (see Defame: Orlando’s scene confusion blog). Nothing screams emotional stability like a neck beard, not to mention some men are recognized nearly as much for their beards as they are their accomplishments (Lincoln, ZZ Top, Rick Rubin). Now the real question here is if I grow this Joaquin Phoenix-esq beard, will I have to sport those stylish sunglasses and the skinny neck tie as well? I mean, look at how well this beardo has worked for this man:
I am officially sold. Ok, so now the hard part. Which style beard shall I choose?
1. “The Gordon Fisherman”
All out, uncontrolled pile of hair. Sported by Hemingway, Grizzly Adams, Paul Gasol, Gilbert, and most homeless guys.
2. “The Timberlake”
A closely groomed, sexy look. Sported by Justin Timberlake, George Clooney, Jake Gyllenhaal.
3. “The Original ‘stache”
Most don’t believe this should be allowed to be sported at all, anywhere, unless the person has lost a bet. Exceptions include Fred Goldman, Tom Selleck, Freddie Mercury, and most importantly Geraldo Rivera.
4. “The Trucker”
A personal favorite, a Play-Off beard gone wrong, only for Badass Mofo’s. Inspired by James Hetfield and Hulk Hogan.
I am leaning toward “The Gordon Fisherman”, what do you think?
With all this beard excitement I almost forgot, it is that time again…
BEST OF ORLANDO voting from the Orlando Weekly.
Allow me to make some suggestions:
Best local Internet site: orangecountyconcepts.com
Best local blog: orangecountyconcepts.com
Best club DJ: DJ Docta Dawe (Can we please get a #1 this year? After all, I did DJ the “Best of Orlando” party last year!)
Best club night: STEREO @ Antigua
Best hip-hop act: DJ dLux (I know he’s not an “act” but since there is no “Best Mixtape DJ” section I shall protest with this vote)
Best T-shirts: Reign Clothing
Best coffeehouse: Austin’s Coffee (austinscoffee.com)
Best local radio personality: Shannon Burke (You gotta love him! Maybe this will get him his job back!)
Remember, YOU HAVE TO VOTE IN AT LEAST 15 CATEGORIES, so please fill in the other answers as best as you can. It will only take a second, and if we win, we promise to retire the term “nice dick”. Thanks.
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