LastNightsHype.com

With bright futures for the US economy approaching the horizon – I thought I’d take a moment and see where our – and the world’s – money is REALLY going.   Yep.  Pornography.  And in honor of the games in Beijing, I thought I’d go Bob Costas on our pornographic asses and see who’s revving up our engines.

Surprisingly, the United States doesn’t even clock in the top 3.  Nope, not even a bronze medal.

The gold medal, however, goes to….. China!    While they represent nearly 20% of the world’s population, they raked in about 28% of the worldwide revenue.  Although, with their high population, it averages about $27 per capita.

No latex-life-like Jenna Haze vaginas for you!,  China!

The silver medal, surprisingly, goes to South Korea!  Heungbundoeyo!!!  With a little over 25 billion dollars rung up, it’s nice to be on the South side.

Although by not even representing 1% of the population, good ol’ S.K. posts an amazing $526 per capita revenue rate.  So you see, it’s good to have the yellow fever.  Er.. peach-yellow fever?  Damn.

The bronze medal goes to Japan.  We all knew this was coming.  They’ve given us bukkake, Kobe Tai and Asia Carrera, and what we’ve dubbed “hentai”.   They’ve also given us Panda Express.   Arigato!

Japan’s looking pretty studly with just a little under $20 billion in cash, and a respectable $157 per capita revenue.  Not like those South Korean pervs though.  Go Japan! [ed note: I know Panda Express is not Japanese.  Duh.  The Jews took it from them]

Although we came in fourth, I’m still proud to be an American!   We pull in about $14 billion (around $45 a head).  Pretty respectable for being almost 5% of the world’s population.  Take that China!  And interestingly enough, the US’s pornographic revenue exceeds the combined revenues of ABC, CBS, and NBC.   Although I’m sure if Kelly Ripa went topless, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

So take the 14 billion dollars in revenue and factor in the US birth rate of one person every 7 seconds – and you’ll see that every time a baby is born, we’ve spent about $3107 on pornography.  KA-CHING!!  That breaks down to 28 DVDs, 25 vibrators, 125 bottles of lube, and a 2 year subscription to every frat rat’s favorite, BangBros.com.   Hope you’re ambidextrous.

(Oh, and before you ask why I didn’t spend any money on condoms; think about it, ladies – name the last dude-bro you met at TD’s who just happened to have a condom in his Billabong velcro wallet just waiting for that magic moment to make humpy-hump with you in the bathroom stall that somehow *still* reeks of old Don Pablo’s burritos.   Mmmhmm.  I thought so.  But I digress.)

Besides, everyone knows the classy guys go to the Cockta…er, the Octagon.

Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed our little foray into economics.  It’s amazing what you’ll find on the internet when you’re high on Sugarfree Red Bull and Sour Patch Kids.  Another interesting fact before we part ways:

  The #1 city in the United States requesting searches on the words “porn”, “xxx”, and “sex” on the internet?

Elmhurst, IL.

Elmhurst, I dub thee “Rapeville”

[ed final note:  In the time it took you to read this article, 3.4 million people were checking out internet porn instead.]

 *Now* you may go get the cocoa butter.

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Is Ping-Pong, or excuse me, uhum, “table tennis” an Olympic sport? Studies show: Yes it is. So we dont have bowling, NASCAR, or football – but we have table tennis? I’ve been trying to keep up with the Olympics, I really have. I’d even change the channel, then turned back only to find guys STILL playing ping-pong. Fucking ping-pong! Please, someone tell me how this is a sport and why it should be in the Olympics. If they are going to say that this is a real sport, then I believe the time is close when we will all see beer-pong in the Olympics. I’ll have you know that I, Colombia, will be the worldwide gold medalist.

Edited by J. Chris Callahan. 

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“I write for the stupidest blog in Orlando.”

- “Glitter and Gold?”

(It was a pleasure meeting you. I’ll tell you the story about last night on Thursday. Since Sam’s gone, you should just call up Chris whenever you want to go. However, afterall – the third best website in Orlando does have a guest list.)

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This week, we’ve got a special show for you. Summerbirds in the Cellar. Coming off of their win for “Best Indie Act” in Orlando Weekly’s Best Of Orlando poll, Summerbirds will be playing for us before we jump into Saturday/Thursday this week!

After the show – at about midnight, we’re kicking off Saturday/Thursday.

To check out music from Summerbirds in the Cellar – visit their MYSPACE!

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Former S/T special guest Justice have just released a new mix for Dior as a soundtrack to the Dior fashion show in Paris. The repetition and progression of this mix is beautiful. They are geniuses.

Justice: Dior Homme Spring/Summer 09 mix (zshare)

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Kanye West closed his Glow in the Dark show at Madison Square Garden August 6th with a major announcement: He’s producing tracks for Jay-Z’s next album, Blueprint 3. And Hova just so happened to be on hand to premiere one of the album’s tracks.

After the last song of his performance, Kanye told the crowd that 20 years from now, they would be recognizing him and some of his peers, such as Glow in the Dark tourmate Pharrell Williams, as some of the all-time greats. Acknowledging his great success and loss in the past year, he told the audience – which included Q-Tip and Andre 3000 – that he was evolving and not going to be as selfish as he was in the past.

A story followed of how when he’s in the studio producing tracks, he’ll usually snatch the beat for himself, unless his friend and G.O.O.D. Music act Common is there. But on a recent trip to Hawaii, West said he changed his M.O. While in the studio in paradise, he told himself, “Every beat I do is for this person.”

He promised to play a track for the concertgoers, but didn’t tell them he had a bonus. As the bass kicked in for a song that is sure to heat up the clubs and streets before the summer is done, Jay-Z walked out and started to rap.

You would have needed the computer-chip-enhanced hearing of the Bionic Woman to make out everything the Brooklyn native was saying over the roar of the crowd. But his rap started off with a reference to his recent verbal dust-up with Oasis leader Noel Gallagher, who objected to a hip-hop artist (Jay) headlining England’s traditionally rock-oriented Glastonbury festival earlier this summer: “That bloke from Oasis said I couldn’t play guitar / Somebody shoulda told him I’m a f—in’ rock star.” He went on to rap about his female fans, including the line, “I’m like, ‘Life ain’t fair/ Chill, baby girl, my girl is here.’ ”

Kanye kept yelling a chorus that sounded like “Jockin’ Jay-Z, jockin’ Jay-Z.” And there was no mistaking Jigga’s call of “Blueprint 3,” getting the crowd excited for the second sequel to one of the cornerstones of his lauded catalog of classics. Rumors of the album began this January, when a track called “Ain’t I” leaked, but Jay’s reps denied that the song was new.

Jay and Kanye gave no other details about the project before exiting. The spectators mixed chants of “Kaaan-yaaaay!” and “Hov-vvvvvaaaaah!” well after the house lights came on.

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.. and I give you SHIT SHOW.

Treasure Fingers – On The Dance Floor

For more on Treasure Fingers, check out the following sites!

TreasureFingers.com

Treasure Fingers on MySpace!

Also, check out Fools Gold Records for updated information on the badasses of music.

It’s Saturday/Thursday and Docta Dawe’s birthday! We’re at Club Firestone tonight for the best party in Orlando, bitches! “Bring your green hat, too!”

Drink. Dance. Fuck. Repeat.

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Happy Birthday, Brian “Docta” Dawe. Thank you for supplying the soundtrack to my drinking habits. You make sure the drinks are free and the beats are phat (sp?), without even namedropping (Sorry, Dlux). If it wasn’t for Shitshow Saturday, I’d probably be on the side of the road intoxicated, instead of at The Cocktagon intoxicated. I’m still not sure which one is better.

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Thousands of teachers and professors are now logging in to one of the biggest social networking websites in the world [Facebook.com]. Despite the misconception that – even surprises me, there are a lot of older men and women now registering for Facebook. In 2006, a ComScore study indicated that nearly 50% of the MySpace users were over the age of 35. Similarly, with Facebook they’ve managed to reach nearly 40%.

Well, since Facebook has skyrocketed, and the average age has shot up, ironically enough – so has student/teacher sexual relationships. Who would have thought? With teachers registering daily, it goes to show that when students and teachers have a means of successful communication – sexual relationships also become created. I believe the words I’m looking for are “Cradle Robber,” very similar to, but not to be confused with, “Pedophile” (See Sick Fuck)

When you put sex-driven kids going through puberty in a room with a lonely, desperate, horny bastard/bitch – someone’s going to take it too far. I mean, from a male student’s perspective – who hasn’t had a hot teacher back in high school whom you’ve sat in class with for nearly a whole year and thought about fucking. In that, it narrows it down to who the problem is – the teachers. Don’t get me wrong – not every teacher is like this. However, there’s a rapid amount of grown men in careers that are sacrificing everything they have, including their asshole in prison, for a one night stand with an underage girl! Fucking losers. When push comes to shove, and you’re that horny, it’s just as dangerous to fuck a prostitute.

However, what’s even more hilarious is the fact that there’s a website now in regards to student/teacher sexual relationships. I am please to introduce to you BadBadTeacher.com.

It’s very similar to where Defame: Orlando is in regards to the crucial blogging world, especially with Adrian’s latest stint and Defame’s posting. If the name of the website isn’t funny enough – feel free to go through the photos of those caught in underage sex scandals in the education system that is our pride and joy in this country.

AskMen.com had a very interesting post about the same topic as well from 2007. The comments are where you’re looking. Being able to see all sides of the story is truly bliss.

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Meet Quoc Van. He is a Democratic candidate for Congress in Florida’s 8th District. You may have seen him on a local street corner waving his sign, or maybe he knocked on your door asking you to sign a petition to get his name on the ballot. If you haven’t seen him, or heard of him yet, you will soon. Quoc is not the traditional run of the mill candidate. In the state of Florida most candidates pay a filing fee to get on the ballot. That fee is $10,000. The only other way to get on the ballot is by collecting thousands of petition signatures. Quoc personally collected more than 5800 petition signatures over a 110 day period and spent 9 hours each of those days knocking on doors asking people to sign his petition. Few people take this route but Quoc has heart, and is devoted to this community, and his country. It is easy for an out of touch elitist to pay $10,000 to get on the ballet, but do you think our current representative Rick Keller, or even some of the other democratic candidates like Alan Grayson or Charlie Stuart would walk hundreds of miles to get their name on the ballot? Quoc did this not only to get the opportunity to serve his community, but to hear thousands of individual central Florida stories, concerns, and issues.

In the corrupt game of old time dirty Orlando politics, where the same group of elitist seem to find there way into office year after year, Quoc is a breath of fresh air. The incumbent, Ric Keller made a pledge to the citizens of central Florida that he would not serve in the House of Representatives for more than 4 two-year terms. He has decided not to keep his term limits pledge and chose to run for another term this year. If Ric Keller can’t keep his word to the citizens of Central Florida about a simple thing like this, why would he stand up and fight for the issues you are passionate about. Quoc is not only interested in serving the will of the people, he has heard them one by one.

Quoc was born in 1983 and is a first generation Vietnamese American. He graduated from Georgetown University with honors in 2005 and the Emory University School of Law in 2008. He is also the youngest candidate in the race. If you would like his opinion on some of the important issues we face this election year like National security, the economy, and education you can visit his website: www.vanforcongress.com

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This one goes out to a special lady out there.

She knows who she is. She single-handedly brought the Cheesy Beefy Melt back to Taco Bell.

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Random facts about Jews, as stated by Mel Gibson:

• Jews have secretly been trying to make candy and ice cream illegal.
• Jews don’t worship Jesus even though He’s God and they’re supposed to.
• Jews made that dude cut off Braveheart’s wang at the end of the movie.
• Jews made Lance Bass gay.
• Jews created Arrested Development just so they could piss us off by cancelling it.
• Jews don’t believe in Christmas. What kind of people don’t even believe in Christmas!?!
• Jews gave our founding fathers that whole slavery idea.
• Jews are the ones who made it so hot outside.
• Jews own almost everything. Everything except Malibu, that is – Mel Gibson owns that.
• Jews share religious beliefs similar to those of Madonna.
• Jews don’t care about 9/11.
• Jews love Freddy Prinze Jr. movies, which is why he gets to keep making them.
• Jews killed all the unicorns, which is why you don’t see them much these days.
• Jews didn’t enjoy Lethal Weapon 3.
• Jews believe in Scientology (but not Christmas).
• Jews came up with the idea for Hogan Knows Best.
• Jews don’t want you to know how to save money on your car insurance by using Geico
• Jews made cursive writing irrelevant, thereby wasting countless hours of your childhood.
• Jews only accept MySpace Friend Requests from crappy bands.
• Jews can’t rollerskate very well.
• Jews only print the Torah on unrecycled paper.
• Jews all have the bird flu.
• Did I mention the Jews don’t even believe in Christmas?
• Jews drive people to drink (and then drive).
• Jews invented bad stand-up comedy.
• Jews left all those mean comments about Paris Hilton on TMZ.
• Jews are the ones who put the snakes on the plane.
• Jews don’t enjoy rainbows.
• Jews never won a single episode of American Gladiators.
• Jews don’t shop at Wal Mart as much as they should.
• Jews are trying to stop JK Rowling from finishing the Harry Potter series.
• Jews started the kosher thing just to annoy the rest of us.
• Jews are the ones who made cigarettes give you cancer.
• Jews are to blame for all those stupid Adam Sandler songs.
• Jews don’t hug.
• Jews have never had the Best Week Ever.
• Jews don’t even bother to vote for their American Idol.
• Jews invented SPAM – both the food and the annoying e-mails.
• In their spare time, Jews enjoy making fun of Corky, that retarded guy from TV.
• Jews like to harass innocent people who are minding their own business while drunkenly swerving their way down the Pacific Coast Highway.

.. who knew?

(Copied, STOLEN, and never returned – compliments of Alex Blagg of VH1′s Best Week Ever. Because I have no creativity.)

DJ Skeet Skeet – Party Like a Rockstar (Remix)

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So I got an letter from prison written by “Big Poppa,” Lou Pearlman, today:

“Chris,

I’m terribly sorry about the whole “300-million dollar debt,” thing. I really thought Trans-Continental was real. Who knew? People make mistakes.

I hate it here. Squirrel takes my mush every day during lunch. “BUT IT’S MY MUSH”, I say! This isn’t fair. Prison.. really hurts – if you know what I mean. I was told going into prison that I needed to be someone’s “bitch,” for protection. I’ve enclosed a photo of him. Also, could you please bring me the following:

Lipstick (red).

Mouthwash.

Twelve Cheeseburgers.

A Yamaka.

Twelve Cheeseburgers ( don’t forget this one).

A copy of Teen People magazine.

Thanks, Chris. Please write me back. I’m boreddzzz, LOLZ!

Love,

Lou Pearlman”

Photo enclosed:

.. it’s a sad day for Lou Pearlman.

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Here’s a nice laff for a Tuesday.

That is all.

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Tonight. Party kicks off at 10!

.. sign up for the guest list to get in for free!

My Dick – Mickey Avalon

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.. and just so you know:

University Wine and Spirits:

Bud/Bud Light: $49.75
Miller products: $49.75
Ice House: $49.75
Coors/Coors Light: $49.75

.. Kegs.

I’m just saying.. cheapest kegs in Orlando.

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